Night 1 - Unto the path of Healing

Early this morning, I have realized that I am going through depression. I believe my depression started when I did not consistently make time with God (aka quiet time). And now, I am at my worst. If not for the grace of God, I would not be here typing my thoughts. I would have ended my life (no exaggeration).
I'd like to believe that where I am now is God ordained. God allowed me to experience such. I remember Charles Spurgeon when I realized that I am going through such. And therefore, Christians are not exempted or not immune when it comes to depression.
Writing/typing, helps me to organize my thoughts, and focus on what is true and not. My head had been spinning for having a lot of false thoughts in my head. My heart aches so bad, because I am reacting to "false thoughts". And therefore, wanting to hurt the people around me. False thoughts are Lies. and it could only come from the enemy. I am waking up I want to wake up from these lies!
Here's the list of what I have observed/triggers my depression:

1. it always happens before I sleep 

- during night time where the world is quiet, and I am all alone with my thoughts, it is the time that I feel the loneliest... I feel sad and feel so unloved and "un-cherished". And I start to think of the things of what is wrong with me and the shortcomings of the people around me (but mostly my husband).

Truth VS. Lies

• I am not alone. the Lord is with me - always
• I am loved by the creator of the universe. God is love. God died for me. thats how he loves me.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? (Romans 8:34)

38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 

• I perfectly, wonderfully made.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. (Psalm 139:14)

Action Point:

• make this time my time with the Lord. It is the time I have to unlearn many things and to renew the way I think. I need to be exposed to the truth.

2. My recipient of frustrations due to unmet expectations is my husband

- Maybe because I have a husband? So the expectations for him to provide ALL of MY NEEDS falls to him. I am expecting him to ensure to make me feel loved and cherished. But then again, he is also human, what can I expect?

Truth VS. Lies

• The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want (Psalm 23:1)
• The Lord is my fortress.

The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. (Psalm 18:2)

Action Point:

• we must protect our marriage! Discuss accountability measures. Examples as follows:
• Weekly family devotion. if not as a family but kahit between us?
• Weekly date night
• TBH -> it feels awkward to be initiating this - really! My twisted - damsel-in-distress-waiting-for-knight-in-shining-armor-to-save-the-day is kicking in. But if I lean towards that kind of thinking, what will happen? nga-nga?? 

3. When I let the false thoughts take over my mind, I tend to want to Isolate myself

- Maybe because I was thinking, it would get their attention? So that I would feel that I do matter.

Truth VS. Lies

• My identity is in Christ.

17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.[a] The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5:17

• God knew my name even before I was born. I was chosen even before I knew him.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.” Jeremiah 1:5

Action Point:

• Do not neglect fellowship with Christ's family, no matter what I think and feel

So far, thats kinda it... now, im thinking ill have to consult my ways forward with someone. Just to be sure I'm on  right track. I do not know if my action points will work. 
O, Lord God, as I go to sleep tonight, help me to just think about your truths. You know my worries, fears, my heart aches, please help me to trust that you are in control, and that you perfectly love me in my inmost being. Please take away these false thoughts. Help me to think what is worth praising and glorifying your name. If there is something wrong in our marriage, then help us to address it in your way. I wanted to give up. But help to fight for what is true. help me to fight. help me to endure. help me to go through this. I pray for peace that surpasses all understanding as I go to sleep. I pray for sleep. I pray for rest. In Jesus name, I pray. Amen

my verse for today:

• Psalm 19: 1 "The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims his handiwork"

• Exodus 14:14 "The LORD will fight for you, you have only to be silent" ESV
• "The LORD shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace" KJV