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Monday, July 1, 2019

Night 1 - Unto the path of Healing


Early this morning, I have realized that I am going through depression. I believe my depression started when I did not consistently make time with God (aka quiet time). And now, I am at my worst. If not for the grace of God, I would not be here typing my thoughts. I would have ended my life (no exaggeration).
I'd like to believe that where I am now is God ordained. God allowed me to experience such. I remember Charles Spurgeon when I realized that I am going through such. And therefore, Christians are not exempted or not immune when it comes to depression.
Writing/typing, helps me to organize my thoughts, and focus on what is true and not. My head had been spinning for having a lot of false thoughts in my head. My heart aches so bad, because I am reacting to "false thoughts". And therefore, wanting to hurt the people around me. False thoughts are Lies. and it could only come from the enemy. I am waking up I want to wake up from these lies!
Here's the list of what I have observed/triggers my depression:
  1. it always happens before I sleep 
- during night time where the world is quiet, and I am all alone with my thoughts, it is the time that I feel the loneliest... I feel sad and feel so unloved and "un-cherished". And I start to think of the things of what is wrong with me and the shortcomings of the people around me (but mostly my husband).

Truth VS. Lies
  • I am not alone. the Lord is with me - always
  • I am loved by the creator of the universe. God is love. God died for me. thats how he loves me.
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? (Romans 8:34)
38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 
  • I perfectly, wonderfully made.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. (Psalm 139:14)
Action Point:
  • make this time my time with the Lord. It is the time I have to unlearn many things and to renew the way I think. I need to be exposed to the truth.

2. My recipient of frustrations due to unmet expectations is my husband


- Maybe because I have a husband? So the expectations for him to provide ALL of MY NEEDS falls to him. I am expecting him to ensure to make me feel loved and cherished. But then again, he is also human, what can I expect?

Truth VS. Lies
  • The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want (Psalm 23:1)
  • The Lord is my fortress.
The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. (Psalm 18:2)
Action Point:
  • we must protect our marriage! Discuss accountability measures. Examples as follows:
  • Weekly family devotion. if not as a family but kahit between us?
  • Weekly date night
  • TBH -> it feels awkward to be initiating this - really! My twisted - damsel-in-distress-waiting-for-knight-in-shining-armor-to-save-the-day is kicking in. But if I lean towards that kind of thinking, what will happen? nga-nga?? 

3. When I let the false thoughts take over my mind, I tend to want to Isolate myself

- Maybe because I was thinking, it would get their attention? So that I would feel that I do matter.

Truth VS. Lies
  • My identity is in Christ.
17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.[a] The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5:17
  • God knew my name even before I was born. I was chosen even before I knew him.
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.” Jeremiah 1:5
Action Point:
  • Do not neglect fellowship with Christ's family, no matter what I think and feel

So far, thats kinda it... now, im thinking ill have to consult my ways forward with someone. Just to be sure I'm on  right track. I do not know if my action points will work. 
O, Lord God, as I go to sleep tonight, help me to just think about your truths. You know my worries, fears, my heart aches, please help me to trust that you are in control, and that you perfectly love me in my inmost being. Please take away these false thoughts. Help me to think what is worth praising and glorifying your name. If there is something wrong in our marriage, then help us to address it in your way. I wanted to give up. But help to fight for what is true. help me to fight. help me to endure. help me to go through this. I pray for peace that surpasses all understanding as I go to sleep. I pray for sleep. I pray for rest. In Jesus name, I pray. Amen

my verse for today:
  • Psalm 19: 1 "The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims his handiwork"
  • Exodus 14:14 "The LORD will fight for you, you have only to be silent" ESV
      • "The LORD shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace" KJV


Monday, June 24, 2019

Fast Forward: Loneliness in Marriage

Yes, fast forward I'm married now for 6 years now (wait what?).
Most of my blog posts are during my pre-quarter life crisis (yes, very "babaw" childish posts harhar).

Yes, im married. A young family of 3.
And for some time now I am on this side of marriage that I did not know about (its nothing new to the society but I am/was oblivious).

it's called Loneliness in Marriage (i just made this title).
*from talkspace.com ctto*

I thought being with someone whom you know that is given/ordained by God, I would be somehow spared for such thing (naive, right?). I did not foresee, expected it to happen (and who wouldve?). I know its not a bed of roses. But still...

Anywho, I guess it makes it more lonely because of the fact you are expecting each other to be 'one' and to be there with you. You know the kind of loneliness that even if that someone is physically there.... the connection is empty? (wala ngang any time eh) I always ask myself - "is there something wrong with me"? But i do not think that how I feel is fake as well.

We grew apart because of the adulting duties & responsibilities. We forgot how to protect that once union we had. I can actually emphatize those who are looking for attention from others. No wonder ang daming broken families.

Marriage is hard. Ang layo ng mga concerns ko during my posts here nung single pa ako. "Why did I bother wanting to get married anyway?" - this is just one of usual thoughts running around... but then again, this is not a good thing to think.about.

And so, I dont know.. im trying to get numb each passing day. But there are times that I get bottled up and explode. Its a sad life, really. 

I guess I just wanted to share that loneliness exist even in marriage. So if your reason of getting married is for you NOT to be lonel, well, think again. Don't marry for the wrong reasons.

For a very helpful solution or tips, you may want to visit the site below:
https://unveiledwife.com/i-am-lonely-in-my-marriage-a-devotional/

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Caleb's 1st Roll

Today, our son, Caleb, did his first ever roll! (Yey!!!)
He is 2 weeks & 3 days old.
Good thing we caught it on video.

He is such an active baby boy with strong bones & muscles (for a preemie)
Thank God! :)

Mommy & Daddy is so proud of you!

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Motivated

Today, I was motivated to diligently study the word of God. I caught myself exchanging thoughts with a friend (via fb) about false teachings.

How sad it is to know the truth that there are many being deceived, even inside the church. I am concerned by those people who wanted to "repackage" scriptures just because of fear that it will become "too heavy" to those who will hear.

My heart just wants to shake their heads!! What are they thinking? Of course it will pierce the audience's heart because the word of God is a double edged sword! Is that coming from a heart of fearing man?

It is sad to see them growing in numbers but being preached by someone who present the word out of context. I pray that this person will be put to stopped and for tbe flock to be protected.

And as for me, it pushes me to persevere.
Good morning!

posted from Bloggeroid

Friday, May 30, 2014

The 12th Day: One Desire

May 24, 2014

I'm on my 2nd wk of my 2-months Bed Rest and I came to a point that somehow I feel "panicky" (also known as naloloka-of-not-doing-anything). My life right now is the complete opposite of my lifestyle 2 weeks ago. I feel that my body is getting weak due to lack of movement. Maybe I'm depressed?

No matter how i communicate the boredom that I do have to anyone, I get responses that felt like that they do not get me.

I came to the Lord for help. I cried out to God on how to be still in the midst of stillness, quietness, silence. And I know that He's the only one who can understand my deepest need. The Lord then lead me to these verses in Psalm 23.
V1. The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want.
V2. He makes me lie down in green pastures; he leads me beside still waters

"The Lord is my shepherd" - my carer, my leader... I have nothing to worry about because He is always with me. He is always one-step ahead of me, & always there to attend & take care of my utmost need.

"I shall not want" - my only desire, my utmost desire.
I shall not want anything & find contentment only in Him no matter what the circumstances are.

"He makes me" - even if I do not agree or feel likr doing so, He makes me, puts me in a place that is good for me. Where I am right now is the greener pasture.

"Lie down" - he settles me, puts me to rest if I needed to. And right now, this my body & the baby needs this.

"He leads me" - where He is leading me, there shall I find peace & refreshment.

Indeed, the Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. God assures me that this is His leading & it is good for me. He is reminding me that he is my shepherd & there's nothing I should desire above Him. And if there is any, this is His way of putting me on the right track.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

2 Months Bed Rest

Last May 10, during our monthly check-up with our OB-GYN, the doctor told us something I did not see coming.

Dra: "Ano bang work mo?"
Me: "uhm.. " (thinking on how to explain what i do. I just said..) ".. sa Unilever po."
Dra: "You should take at least 2 months bed rest"
Me: "ha?" (I didnt capture what she said. It's like a blur or something)

Then the Dra explained that my placenta is totally covering my cervix (which I already knew from last week's ultrasound result. And thanks to google, I was able to understand it *somehow).
She continued talking but it seems like my mind cant keep up with her. A lot is going through my head now.

Dra: "blah blah... we have to take the baby out. Ayaw naman natin yun kasi kasalanan yun",
Me: "ha?!"
(Waaaiit! bakit may ganitong usapan na?)

I shared to Dra that I've been having brown discharge at the end of the day after work (since this is my 1st pregnancy, I dont know if that's considered as "spotting" already). She said that my body is tired already & I am prone to bleeding. I need to have less physical movements until my placenta moves up. After 2 months, we will have our ultrasound again. Then we'll see what happens next.

*Placenta Previa*

At first, it felt like I was not in the right state of mind. Maybe I was shocked. The 1st sunday I cried during  the worship service as the song reminds me that our praises goes to God even if he allows the bad things in life. I cried because our baby doesn't deserve a mommy who is more worried with work & is having a hard time to obey. God is slowing me down & putting me on the right track as he prepares me to be a mom. He is indeed faithful with his promise to me that He will teach me how to raise a child before I got married.

I'm on my 16th day now of bed rest. The first week, I was working at home preparing the turnovers to my boss, assts & colleagues. My boss took my laptop so I will not be tempted to work & they will be able to manage the work I will be leaving. I'm blessed with supportive teammates & having unlimited sick leave so our expenses will be covered as well. The 2nd week was rough as it sinks in the sudden change of my routine, social life & lifestyle (will talk about that more in the coming days).

I pray that in this new journey that I am in will be ever so productive with God's grace. Hope you can include me & baby in your prayers.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

New blog title: a life with God?

Its been a year since my last blog here. I changed the title of my blog to - "A Glimpse Of Life with God".

At 1st i was kind of hesitant because my previous blogs (1st few yrs) are clearly does not depict a life with God. There's hatred, cursing, angst... a complete opposite of God. I was thinking, should i make a new blogsite?

But then i decided, to just retain this. For this is the reality i shouldn't hide or be ashamed of. My God took my shame when He chose to die for me in the cross.

To all those people whom i've hurt in my previous blogs, i'm sorry. And i hope you'll forgive me.

Be my Lover

I just asked God to be my lover.
For i know He will love me, care for me, and love me

Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars

And i know my life will be the best :)

I think He heard me, for i feel the peace in my heart.

God, you are my lover, now & forever.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Waking Up

It was my 26th birthday that i realized how much i allowed the circumstances around me just to pass me by.

I realized that i have spend much of my time in working. I am becoming one of those corporate exec who are extremely busy. And i must say, it is indeed a sad life, though God has been faithful, giving me peace everyday & sustaining me. That's why ithought i was doing just fine.

Weekend after my birthday, i just woke up, crying. I cried to God how sad i am. How did i end up here? I realized i have been sad long before i know.

But God is so sweet.

I found myself crying my heart inside the car at a carpark due to the failed attempt of surprising my fiance (by doing so, i thought i'll be okay). I texted my 2 closest friends. And in just a matter of minutes, they came to comfort me. I am greatly touched by their effort, concern, and love. Thank you God that i have friends like them. They told me, they noticed i stopped doing what i love. I stopped my photography hobby, i stopped dancing, i stopped traveling. Wow, God, i never thought of this. If it's not work, i opt to rest so I can work. Pathethic!

Oh, dear God, thank you for bring patient with me and hearing my plea. Thank you for your mercy and love. Please help me to lift up my eyes on you for my help is on the way, you will not delay. Your promises are true. You are my refuge and strength. Thank you Father. In Jesus name, Amen.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

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