Before I fill out the times that I stopped blogging my life here, let's fast forward muna. Dahil importante to. Shoot! We're done! It's over. Nada!
After 7 years of being together, I never thought that this thing is actually happening to us. Well, at some point I have foreseen this. But the fact that I'm actually living it.. right now, IT's hmm.. I don't know. I feel numb right now.
I won't detail the conversation that leads to this. (sh*t he's online right now). Anyway, I am the bad guy here. I'm the one who makes the girls in all those love songs cries to death. So basically, wala akong karapatang mag-emo! (dba? kaasar!)
We broke up the other night (june 14 or 15?). We just talked over the phone. I was surprised by how he handled the situation... at first. Parang are we this mature? I was actually waiting for him to curse and bombard me with all the nasty, hurtful words that you can think of. Maybe this is probably worse, him being nice. (wahhh!!). And since I don't want to put down the phone kaagad. His composure didn't last that long. He's beginning to be bitter each passing... seconds! Okay, ouch! I think we should put down the phone. And when he said "bye na". Shoot! I can't even say "goodbye" or "buh-bye" or watever! I'm a mute!!!! I texted him right after I put down the receiver. And syempre he didn't reply. Sigh! I didn't made hagulhol. Maybe I made the right decision, don't you think?
I woke up not feeling okay. Well, that was unexpected. I thought I would be like... steady, poker. Pero hindi! Siguro felt guilty. Did I made the right decision? If so, why do I feel this way? How can I hurt someone?? Someone who didn't commit a single crime to... to experience such!! I'm a monster!! My heart goes to him as I recall him saying "di ko na alam gagawin ko". Leche!! Ang sama ko!! Kill me, will you?? If I stay, I'm an ogre. If I won't stay, I'll still be the blacksheep!! Which is which??
Gusto ko mag-emo. Pero walang song na appropriate to such case like mine. And this made me think to compose my own song, my own lyrics. Sigh! I don't have plans to drown myself in all alcoholic beverages. But then I just found myself semi-drunk kagabi. And now I'm sick. (Urgh!!!). OO, wala akong karapatang magpaka-hurtful moments! Eh bakit ba? Yun yung nararamdaman ko ngayon eh. I keep on thinking how is he. I want to hug and comfort him to make the hurting stop. I want him to be happy. I don't want him to suffer or anything like that. I don't want him to hate me forever. BUT THAT JUST CAN'T BE!! I'm the sole reason why he's in this state of the so-called "unfair,cruel world".
Sigh! What do I do? Have fun? Jump for joy? How can I do that? Knowing that I've hurt someone so bad.
And there's NO SONGs FOR ME!